dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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