Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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