You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
