I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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