my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
