so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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