You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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