so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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