How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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