There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Jerry, you need to find god
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
