8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
