we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
