Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
