i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
there is glitter all over my balls
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