apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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