I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
