yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
