Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
