I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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