i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
