Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
