Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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