I feel like I'm in dance class right now
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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