I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We had sex on a dog bed..
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
