after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I need a beard to bite.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
