I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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