In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
