I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
