My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
