My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
