I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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