i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
