Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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