I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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