this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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