some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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