Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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