i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
