im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
