I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
