i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
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