I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
