smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
