I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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