Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
