He had one of those small greek statue penises
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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