sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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