Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
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Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
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You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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