last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
