My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
