my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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