Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
