just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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